Wednesday, October 17, 2007

"Why do I get so defensive?"

Do you find that certain things just trigger the shocking response out of you and your actions may even bring adverse effects on your relationship with people around you? This simply means you are getting defensive. Well our responses may be classified under critical spirit, thoughtless words and defensive reaction. Yes, we say that our close ones hurt us most...the irony is also that we hurt our love ones the most too...

To DEFEND = To PROTECT and to OPPOSE (to protect self worth and oppose threats)

Roman12:2a Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

'Pattern' of this world is formed in our early childhood days with family/school. We either accept or hate the pattern, at times we hate this pattern without even knowing it. Eg when I was a child, my mum always tells me I’m stupid. So if anyone say directly that 'I’m stupid' or indirectly I received her message as 'I'm stupid', I may flare up and go into defensive mode which can be destructive to relationships.

Ultimate point it’s not so much about others deliberately hurting you (usually not the case) but it’s more because you have to learn to understand your inner thoughts that have been build over the years. Only you can understand those responses with conscious reflection. When you understand yourself and your responses, then it can help to resolve some of this unhappiness. The enemy may not be your parents/sister/brother/colleagues but it is important to bring your case to God and ask for wisdom to handle it in the Spirit and to learn how to resolve such conflicts. We don’t have to live in fear/anger/frustrations; in fact we are designed to receive perfect gifts from our heavenly Father. Romans12:2b Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Causes of Defensive Attitudes:

1) Self-worth threatened - largely determined by our past emotional experience especially relationship with parents/others in early childhood;

2) Unresolved conflict - verbal retaliation, withdrawal and no attempt to resolve unmet expectations (read Rom12:17, Rom12:19). If you have been wronged, it is your responsibility to share your perceptions to the other person in a positive way & not suffer in silence;

3) Physical deprivation - sickness, depressed feelings, lack of rest etc

Good questions to ask yourself

· What emotions did I feel when I responded defensively? Hurt? Anger? Disappointment? Shame?

· What message did the other person communicate to me? That I am inadequate? That I am stupid? That I don't mean much to him/her? That my ideas are unimportant? Is it condemnation or approval?

· What did my response, verbally or behaviourally, communicated to the person? That they are stupid? That they are not going to control me? That I greatly dislike what they did? That I will not tolerate it in the future? That I don't like them?

· What did my respond reveal about me? This is where your reflection upon the roots of your defensiveness will be helpful. Your defensive reaction may reveal something about your history that you have long forgotten. It may reveal an expectation you brought into the relationship but not shared.

Answering some of these questions will help you begin to learn something from your defensive reaction, whereas ignoring the issues simply sets you up to repeat it again later. After this reflection, be humble to do some peacemaking and learn to control better those areas until there is full breakthrough.

Its takes humility to go to the person whom you are not pleased with, they may have hurt you or you may feel hurt by them. Talk things through and pray together about the matter.

It is important to LEARN HOW TO DISCUSS or SHARE ideas without stimulating defensiveness in each other. Sentences like 'You should...', 'You ought....' can be defensive sentences about conversation may cease or conflicts start. We know that by understanding how we react about certain things helps us to take responsibility of our own actions (if we were harsh to the other person) 'I think it would be helpful...', 'in my opinion...' are good feedbacks, it is simply sharing it as your opinion or giving information to the other person without having to be defensive. Make requests rather than demands. Learn to build each other's self-esteem, self-worth and self-image.

Proverbs 29:11 - A fool gives full vent to his anger but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Proverbs 18:2 - A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

1Peter 5:8 - Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Ephesians 4:27 - do not give the devil a foothold.

Mark 12:31 - Love your neighbour as yourself.

May you be blessed and have the wisdom to ask God to heal your past wounds and subsequently to heal the wounds of your relationships. God loves you!

I'm Gonna Touch the Sky!
12:13 AM